gate

gate - n. 1 a hinged barrier used to close an opening in a wall, fence, or hedge.

Gates make me think of being trapped, which is how I feel in this apartment lately. I really can't stand it here these days; I'm stuck here most of the time with nowhere to go, and with my parents here, too. They're out right now, thank goodness, so I'm actually able to have a little bit of peace. One apartment is not big enough for the three of us, really. They're constantly getting mad at me for lord knows what, and I feel like I want to strangle them half the time.

I really don't understand what goes on in their heads. They think I'm always being rude to them and that I speak disrespectfully to them and not to my friends, but I speak generally the same way to everyone, and it's not in a disrespectful way! I don't know what the fuck they're thinking, honestly. The way they see it, I am always wrong and they are always right, always. That's just so far from the truth. Lately, it seems like half of my personal blog entries are ranting about those two and how hard it is to live with them.

I've taken to seeking refuge in my closet. And my closet is tiny, so I'm really squeezed in there when I do so. I feel like just closing the door to my room isn't enough; I need to be separated from them by two doors instead of just one. So I go into my closet and listen to music or watch DVDs on my portable DVD player. Sometimes I just need to be in there to think peacefully, but most of the time I just have to get away and be in my own little place where they can't get to me and I can freely laugh or cry. I just sit in the darkness and let myself feel the music I'm listening to and let out my emotions. My legs get kind of sore from squeezing into the tiny space in awkward positions, but it often beats being in here while my parents are in the living room beside me and the door has to be wide open since it's summer and I need this huge fan to blow cold air into the room, since my computer happens to be in the one room in the entire apartment (other than the bathrooms and kitchen, obviously) that isn't air conditioned. Lovely, huh?

It's just really hard, living with my parents when they get mad at me for the stupidest things. Even my older sister, who hasn't lived with them in years, has told me that it's not me, they're just hard to live with. But god, it's just gotten so bad. It's almost like it was last summer when we went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and fought constantly even with Hiro (my best friend) there. That vacation was pretty crappy because of them, and this summer is starting to feel a lot like that did. Most of the time, boredom isn't even the reason why I'm so desperate to go somewhere - I mostly just want to get away from them.

I feel like I won't be able to live freely until I've moved out. I can't even go everywhere I want to or stay out late at certain places unless I lie to them. They don't even let me come home by myself at night, which just about everyone else is trusted to do to an extent. Hell, how am I even supposed to become a self-sufficient human being and grow up when I'm barely even allowed to do anything? They're just continuing to screw me over for life, like the way they spoiled me so much for so many years that I've barely done a day of honest work in my life and I'm going to feel totally lost when I get my first job, and totally weirded out and probably panicky when I have to make my own money. I think it's a real shame that I feel such resentment towards this apartment now because of the way I've been living in it, when it's physically a great home that I've always liked. I am not going to change who I am, but does that mean that I'm going to have to deal with this bullshit for the next two years? I don't know how I'm going to handle that. But if I wind up spending hours in my closet in grade 11, I won't be surprised.

I changed the rules a bit for this entry, because I got a word that didn't inspire me whatsoever on my first try, and I was going to be very annoyed at having to force out an entry based on a word that didn't inspire me at all. I want this blog to be an enjoyable experience for me, so whenever I get a word that I just can't do anything with, I'll get another word. This word definitely got me thinking, but hopefully my next one won't inspire such a personal entry...I don't really mind sharing this stuff, though, because I need to get it out anyway, and I can't take out my frustration on objects because I'm just going to wind up breaking something one day, and that wouldn't make anything any better.