hurtle

hurtle - v. move at great speed, typically in an uncontrolled manner.

As long as a year may sound, the passing of years can feel pretty damn fast once you get to a certain point. As a 16-year-old, I often feel amazed at the passing of time and the fact that 1997 was 10 years ago, because I can distinctly remember writing "1997" at the end of dates in school back in senior kindergarten and grade one. Being able to remember things that happened 10 years ago is a big deal when you first get to that point, since you definitely can't remember that far back when you're only 10 or 11, and before that you hadn't even lived for 10 years yet. I think that at 16, one is definitely finished with childhood and moving into adulthood, though not quite an adult yet. I often feel somewhat childish, but I can remember feeling my childhood come to an end during middle school, and it was pretty well over by the time I was 13. I'd moved out of the mind set of a child and become someone new, to an extent, and it was at that point that I began to really find my niche in the world and figure out what I want to do with myself.

Time passes by horribly quickly, sometimes. Sometimes I realize that an event happened a year ago and am shocked because it still feels like it happened just recently. While a year ago may be "recently" to a person by the time they reach a certain age, it's still not very recent to a 16-year-old. Right now, I can't believe that 2007 is already more than half over. Hell, just the other day it was January and I was planning my sweet sixteen! It's like I was just making "2007 will be a good year for Morning Musume" predictions; it'd be almost too late in the year for a turn-around if that were not the case, now, but fortunately for Momusu, they have been having a great year. But seriously, it's August '07 already? That's insane!

The fast passing of time can be quite scary. Grade 10 went by in somewhat of a flash, for me, so how fast will grade 11 go by, and grade 12? There are only two years left before I'll be 18 and a half and moving on to post-secondary education, and moving out of this apartment and this neighbourhood and away from my parents. As much as some aspects of that fill me with excitement, it's a bit terrifying to know that I'll have to make serious life decisions and start telling everyone what I want to do with my life very soon. People expect you to know the answers to these questions already by the time you're 16, and I've had a hard enough time dealing with that, so how crazy is it going to be when I'm 17? And I'm only about six months away from turning 17, now. The idea of turning 17 is crazy and kind of scary for me, because of this. I haven't even learned to drive yet because I'm scared of being in control of something as big and potentially deadly (not to mention expensive) as a car! The only real perk of being 16 that I've taken advantage of so far is getting piercings without a parent there - and those were only in my cartilage, too. (Though I had wanted them for a long time, and was glad to get them.)

Then I remember that many of my friends are just a grade above me and will be having to deal with all of that post-secondary shit right about now, while I've still got a year before I have to worry about it too much. Though I do have to get good grades this year, since universities most definitely look at your marks from grade 11. But anyway, knowing that a year from now most of my friends a grade above me (aside from the few who will choose to stay in high school for another year) will be leaving is both sad and insane. And none of them even seem worried! I wonder if they're just freaking out on the inside, because I know I will be. Even picking a high school was stressful back in grade 8! My friends who are starting university this year (there are only a few, though, and we're not particularly close) all seem so ready for this. They don't seem a bit scared. Maybe I just haven't seen their fear because I don't talk to them about this stuff, but I have to wonder if my other friends and I will feel that ready when we leave high school. Does anyone ever really feel ready for that? I suppose there are some people, but it's such a scary and huge thing.

I have one very good friend online who I've been talking to since the end of 2004, and she's moving from a tiny town in Montana to New York City to start at NYU and work towards a career in filmmaking (she's a kickass writer and full of ideas). It's absolutely amazing and I'm very excited for her, but...wow. What a huge thing to be doing. She's been used to the small town life for her whole life, and now she's going to be in New York City, of all places. I'm going to be freaking out about university and I'll at least be living in the same city as I do now, most likely! I'm very proud of her for taking this huge step, but I'm also kind of in awe of her, because I don't know how I'd be able to do it. (I'm not talking about the whole big city transition thing, though, because I'm a city girl 100% and I can barely even handle being in small towns.)

And then, I lok at my sisters. They're both in their 30s; one of them is a former professor and current CEO with four kids and a very helpful husband, while the other is a professor currently. (My dad is a just-retired professor; I come from a family of over-achievers, really.) It's kind of amazing to think that my sisters are in these positions, and I'm still just a kid scared by the fact that my life as an adult is slowly beginning. But I know that they were once just kids, like me, and they worked hard to get to those positions. Not that I want to be a professor myself, but the point is, if they could go from being normal girls like me to successful adults who made it through university and choosing paths for their lives and all of that, I can definitely do it too. I just have to believe in myself and not let myself get too scared by the whole process.

The entire world is really going through life blindly, just moving forward frantically trying to find satisfaction and happiness. Well, maybe not the whole world, but a lot of us. We don't really know what we're doing, much of the time, but one thing we do know is that we can't stop time. The weeks and months and years will continue to pass by at a high speed, and all we can do is keep up. One way of keeping the passing of time from wearing you down is to just forget about it, live your life to the fullest, and enjoy the moment you're in now. You can still enjoy memories, and making plans for the future is definitely crucial in certain circumstances, but if you get too caught up in thinking about time and the past and the future, you'll never enjoy the present - which was your future in the past, and will be your past in the future. Thinking about this, and the fact that my sisters and so many other people I look up to and admire survived all of the stuff I'm dealing with now and will be faced with in the next couple of years, I know that I don't really need to be scared, and all I have to do is work hard, try my best, and follow my heart. I know that I will be lead down the right path, and I will have lots of great times in my life, just like the great times I've already had. Plus, this helps me appreciate the present more. It's always good to have a little perspective when you're 16 and scared of the world (but very hopeful, too).

gate

gate - n. 1 a hinged barrier used to close an opening in a wall, fence, or hedge.

Gates make me think of being trapped, which is how I feel in this apartment lately. I really can't stand it here these days; I'm stuck here most of the time with nowhere to go, and with my parents here, too. They're out right now, thank goodness, so I'm actually able to have a little bit of peace. One apartment is not big enough for the three of us, really. They're constantly getting mad at me for lord knows what, and I feel like I want to strangle them half the time.

I really don't understand what goes on in their heads. They think I'm always being rude to them and that I speak disrespectfully to them and not to my friends, but I speak generally the same way to everyone, and it's not in a disrespectful way! I don't know what the fuck they're thinking, honestly. The way they see it, I am always wrong and they are always right, always. That's just so far from the truth. Lately, it seems like half of my personal blog entries are ranting about those two and how hard it is to live with them.

I've taken to seeking refuge in my closet. And my closet is tiny, so I'm really squeezed in there when I do so. I feel like just closing the door to my room isn't enough; I need to be separated from them by two doors instead of just one. So I go into my closet and listen to music or watch DVDs on my portable DVD player. Sometimes I just need to be in there to think peacefully, but most of the time I just have to get away and be in my own little place where they can't get to me and I can freely laugh or cry. I just sit in the darkness and let myself feel the music I'm listening to and let out my emotions. My legs get kind of sore from squeezing into the tiny space in awkward positions, but it often beats being in here while my parents are in the living room beside me and the door has to be wide open since it's summer and I need this huge fan to blow cold air into the room, since my computer happens to be in the one room in the entire apartment (other than the bathrooms and kitchen, obviously) that isn't air conditioned. Lovely, huh?

It's just really hard, living with my parents when they get mad at me for the stupidest things. Even my older sister, who hasn't lived with them in years, has told me that it's not me, they're just hard to live with. But god, it's just gotten so bad. It's almost like it was last summer when we went on vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and fought constantly even with Hiro (my best friend) there. That vacation was pretty crappy because of them, and this summer is starting to feel a lot like that did. Most of the time, boredom isn't even the reason why I'm so desperate to go somewhere - I mostly just want to get away from them.

I feel like I won't be able to live freely until I've moved out. I can't even go everywhere I want to or stay out late at certain places unless I lie to them. They don't even let me come home by myself at night, which just about everyone else is trusted to do to an extent. Hell, how am I even supposed to become a self-sufficient human being and grow up when I'm barely even allowed to do anything? They're just continuing to screw me over for life, like the way they spoiled me so much for so many years that I've barely done a day of honest work in my life and I'm going to feel totally lost when I get my first job, and totally weirded out and probably panicky when I have to make my own money. I think it's a real shame that I feel such resentment towards this apartment now because of the way I've been living in it, when it's physically a great home that I've always liked. I am not going to change who I am, but does that mean that I'm going to have to deal with this bullshit for the next two years? I don't know how I'm going to handle that. But if I wind up spending hours in my closet in grade 11, I won't be surprised.

I changed the rules a bit for this entry, because I got a word that didn't inspire me whatsoever on my first try, and I was going to be very annoyed at having to force out an entry based on a word that didn't inspire me at all. I want this blog to be an enjoyable experience for me, so whenever I get a word that I just can't do anything with, I'll get another word. This word definitely got me thinking, but hopefully my next one won't inspire such a personal entry...I don't really mind sharing this stuff, though, because I need to get it out anyway, and I can't take out my frustration on objects because I'm just going to wind up breaking something one day, and that wouldn't make anything any better.

deregulate

deregulate - v. to remove regulations or restrictions from.

There are two things that this word makes me think of, both of which are worth some serious thought and debate. One is the manner in which Up Front Agency handles its idols, and the other is the way modern public schools are run. Ha, schools and talent agencies, now there's a Venn diagram!

Let's look at UFA first. For those unfamiliar with it, Up Front Agency is a Japanese talent agency that owns three record labels and signs all of the members of Hello! Project, a collective of female singers of many ages who release pop music as soloists and/or in groups and participate in a variety of other activities. H!P is home to some very talented and well-known artists. One thing that makes UFA's policies unique is the way they handle "scandals" that its idols get involved in; namely, girls as old as 22 (Yaguchi and Mikitty, anyone?) have had to leave the group they were a part of (both were members of Morning Musume) just because it was revealed that they were in romantic relationships. C-ute's 14-year-old Murakami Megumi left the agency altogether after being photographed merely walking beside a boy (though the reason for her departure is up for debate, but it still sounds ridiculous). While 17-year-old actresses and singers can be photographed smoking in America and not see much damage to their careers because of it, Kago Ai was suspended from H!P for a year for that offense. You've gotta wonder, what gives?

Fans usually speculate that the agency wants its idols to appear virginal and pure to the public, which is why they are punished if they are found to be in romantic relationships. Yet it's okay for them to project overt sexuality in music videos and songs any day, to the point of Ayaya and Mikitty KISSING each other at the end of the "Melodies" PV. You almost get the feeling that whatever idea UFA originally had for H!P's idols got messed up somewhere along the way. Now, joining H!P is like joining a convent: you're dedicating your life to one thing, and you won't be engaging in any romantic relationships anytime soon. It's a frustrating concept, especially when one's favorite idol is punished just for dating someone, when relationships are to be expected when you're dealing with such pretty and talented girls!

Recently, though, it appears that UFA may be finally progressing into the 20th century (no, that's not a typo) and loosening up a little. 20-year-old Tsuji Nozomi is pregnant and just married to a former Ultraman, and she hasn't received the boot from UFA; neither has 26-year-old (as of tomorrow! ^_^) Iida Kaori, who is also expecting a child and just married. Is it possible that the agency is being more reasonable with these idols because they are settling down instead of doing wild things and having one-night stands, which would give them far worse reputations? Whatever the case, we can only hope that Up Front Agency decides to ditch their ridiculous rules about relationships and allow its idols to experience love, because dammit, they deserve it. What UFA has become known to do in "scandal" situations is unfair and outdated, and truly needs to come to an end.

As for my second point, if you thought UFA's rules were bad, try going to the middle school I went to. The way that school was run seemed to get worse and worse over the years, and I'm not sure I even want to see what it might be like now (or when school starts up again in September, anyway). The most outrageous things that happened during my time there were mostly during my last year there, when I was in the eighth grade. We had a new vice principal that year, and while we hadn't liked the previous VP much, this one was at least 10 times worse, and made us miss the old one.

Most of you should be familiar with the way schools have two bells ring, one as a warning a few minutes before class actually starts and another one to signify the beginning of class. You're only late if you arrive after the second bell, because the first bell is merely a warning telling you that you have a few minutes to get to class. Thus, even if you arrive in the school yard after the first bell, there's still time to make it to class on time if you hurry, and you are most definitely not late. But I guess the VP we had that year was a bit confused by the whole concept, despite the nice little system we had in which the Cheers theme song would be played over the PA after the first bell rang, followed by the Jeopardy theme song which would end just before the second bell rang. (This system ruined the Cheers theme song for far too many people, sadly.) The VP decided at some point in the spring that people who got into the school yard after the first bell rang would have to run laps around the field until the second bell rang, which would actually make them late. I was amazed and appalled at the injustice of this idea, but that quickly turned into full-blown anger when this policy/torture was inflicted upon me.

It only happened to me once, but I still get mad when I remember it. My friend and I arrived in the school yard in the afternoon shortly after the first bell rang, after eating lunch at my place, and were forced to run laps around the field, despite the fact that we were wearing our black and white (but primarily black) school uniforms (which looked like total crap, by the way) and the sun was beating down on us. We could have easily made it to class on time, at that point, but instead were forced to run around the field until we were late. I honestly don't know what the VP was thinking. I grew very angry, but in middle school I was more prone to challenge authority when authority was being a bitch than just lash out like I might do now (though my high school is MUCH better than my middle school, so such opportunities to get angry don't arise as often), so I decided to test the VP. I wanted to see if he had any sympathy and humanity at all, or if he truly had a heart of ice. So, I fell down, on purpose. I'm a damn good actress, for those of you who have never seen me in a play or anything like that (don't mind my confidence XD but I've received lots of compliments, so I can't be the only one who thinks so!), so my display of pain must have been quite convincing.

The VP saw that I had fallen and was slowly getting up, trying to brush myself off and soothe my "pain." He came over to me and had the nerve to speak to me icily, giving me attitude and telling me to keep running. The more I remember this, the more this sounds like a scene from the school in Matilda, I swear. My test proved that the VP truly really didn't give a fuck about us and didn't have much of a heart at all. Even my parents will describe him as a dictator, because that was exactly what he was. He wanted all of the students to behave the same way and be exactly how he wanted them to be, 100% of the time, and he tried to force these wishes upon us constantly. Anyway, once the second bell rang, he let us all go to class, and I arrived in my classroom panting, red in the face, way too hot, and REALLY pissed off. It might have been physically possible for steam to come out of my ears, at that moment.

A similarly frustrating occurence was a morning during which the entire middle school gathered in the gym for an assembly. After a bunch of lecturing, all of the students were forced to practice walking through the hallways. I kid you not. It was one of the most ridiculous activities that I have ever had the displeasure of participating in. It was as if we were prisoners, inmates in some high-security prison being punished for horrendous crimes that we'd never committed. Each class had to practice walking to each room that they had classes in, in a single-file line and without speaking at all, with the teachers accompanying andwatching us all the while. Once this was finished, all of the classes gathered outside in the courtyard to be told that this was the way we were to walk through the halls. Of course, no class ever walked like that in the halls after that, even on that very day, and we were never actually punished for that. But the fact that we had to go through that insane activity was just so maddening that The Postal Service's "This Place is a Prison" echoed in my head for the rest of the day. The vice principal's standing as a dictator was truly proven that day.

I honestly hope that that man is no longer the vice principal of that school, and that he will never be the vice principal or principal of any school ever again. When I see kids in my building wearing the uniform for that school, I feel sincerely bad for them, because I know firsthand what kind of bullshit they likely have to put up with every day. Something really needed to change at that school, and while I can't help but believe that it's only gotten worse since then, I honestly hope that things have gotten better there. The rules became more and more outrageous as time went by - they even specified one day that safety pins were not allowed to be worn on your uniform (most people just wore their own black and white clothes instead of the uniform, though anything with visible designs and logos was not allowed), and I heard that starting in the first fall that I would be attending high school, everyone would have to wear black socks and shoes. Considering the downright ghetto-ness of our uniforms, that was just such an unreasonable expectation. No one was going to follow a rule like that, and what could they do, send the whole school home? The dictatorship-like restrictions of that school desperately needed to be changed, and I hope that they have.

On the day of high school orientation, I went back to my middle school with a few friends for a brief visit (and my only visit to the school since I started high school). I was wearing a few wristbands, including a leather one with metal stars on it, and the vice principal said to me, "They allow this paraphenilia at your school?" (Paraphenilia! I've only ever heard that word preceded by "drug"!) I calmly replied that they have no problem with it, but I was mildly in awe. That man just never fails to amaze me with his ridiculousness. It felt good, though, getting to tell him that the school I now attend allows something that he doesn't, and I'd love to go back and visit my middle school now wearing my most brightly-colored outfit, just to stick out in the sea of black and white. Blasting something really loud and screamy from my iPod would make it a sufficiently satisfying "fuck you" to the people running that hell hole.

I hope you've enjoyed my first entry in Jounetsu no Kotoba. Whenever I feel the need to write about something that doesn't fit into any of my other blogs (not something in particular, but just in general), I will open up the dictionary to a random page, close my eyes, and put my finger on a word, and then write an entry here inspired by that word. I hope you will enjoy my latest blogging endeavour!